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Sofia - 05.11.2022

Sofia's Wish

Updated: Mar 29, 2024


This is the first time I've told Sofia's story in detail.


Seven months ago today, Sofia was born sleeping. So far, I have not been able to recount what happened in full. It's hard for me to go back to the past and revisit such a painful period.


When I found out I was pregnant I was overjoyed - it was my first pregnancy. But after a few days the joy turned to fear. I started bleeding so went to the hospital. They did an ultrasound on me but they couldn't see anything beyond the pregnancy sack because it was still too early to see the baby. While I was only 4 weeks' pregnant, the ultrasound suggested I was only at 3 weeks. However, apart from that, everything looked normal. I started to bleed little by little and more and more until I went to A&E again. Another ultrasound, which again came back normal; they told me only to come back if the bleeding became much heavier. Then the day came when I started to bleed more, so I once again went to A&E. That day I was lucky with the doctor who saw me - he said to start taking progesterone and to have ultrasound scans every week until they saw the baby's heart was beating. The progesterone stopped the bleeding, and the weekly ultrasounds kept coming back fine. I even found nice to see Sofia every week until I saw her little heart beating.


Fear accompanied me everywhere; the ultrasounds were difficult.

She continued to appear younger than she should have been - she was smaller than she should have been. However, I had to wait until the 12-week ultrasound to really see if everything was OK. Fear accompanied me everywhere; the ultrasounds were difficult. Everything seemed to be fine with Sofia, but she was still small and my placenta was not working well. She moved a lot and nothing seemed wrong, but because she was small they advised me to be seen by a specialist hospital for small and premature babies.


The doctors and nurses were impeccable. They informed us of that Sofia ran the risk of being born before her time, but explained everything, including what would happen if Sofia was born before her time. I had to attend weekly ultrasound appointments with a doctor. We were told it was almost impossible for her to die during the pregnancy itself because she was being so closely followed. So it never crossed my mind that such an outcome would happen.


The days between the last ultrasound at which I saw my daughter alive and the ultrasound where we discovered her heat was no longer beating are particularly hard to remember; it's very painful to think that I went on with my life without realising what had happened, that my daughter had died. I had felt her move at 16 weeks, and kick from 26 weeks. I didn't realise that anything was wrong because I was still feeling her move from side to side. Afterwards, the doctor told me that I continued to feel those movements either because Sofia had died a short time ago or simply because it was usual for babies to move around in the fluid after death. When I found out about Sofia's death during my routine weekly ultrasound at 27 weeks' pregnancy, I felt like I was completely alone.


I discovered a parallel world full of people like me, grieving the death of their babies. A world that no one wants to belong to, but where people are kind and understand me like no one else.

I knew babies died in the latter stages of pregnancy but thought that it was very rare - and I was that rase case. That was, until I discovered a parallel world full of people like me, grieving the death of their babies. A world that no one wants to belong to, but where people are kind and understand me like no one else. The hours that followed remain hazy, and I can't remember precisely what happened: I think my husband and I just sat looking at the wall and crying. Up until the birth I continued to believe that there had been a mistake and that she was still alive.


The day following the news, we went to our local hospital to speak to the specialist bereavement midwife, and she explained what was going to happen. I had to wait two days before starting induction. Again, I don't remember well how I spent the days during that wait: but I certainly remember crying and hugging my belly.


On the day of the induction, my husband and I stayed in a specially furnished room. It was designed much like a hotel room, and it meant that we could spend as many nights as we wanted with Sofia. In the end, we stayed with her for two nights, following a quick delivery. I never thought I'd stay that long but it was hard to leave. For those two days I felt at peace and happy to be with my daughter: I dressed her, I picked her up, we took lots of pictures, we put soft toys next to her to keep her company, we made prints and casts of her hands and feet and kept a lock of her hair. When the time came to leave, it was very difficult as we knew we wouldn't be able to see her again. Afterwards, Sofia went for an autopsy.


The funeral followed a month later and in the lead up we managed to spend time with her at the funeral home - it was really nice but we didn't get to see her as she was wrapped up. The day of the funeral was very difficult, but we had the support of our family. We gave Sofia's relatives a memory of her: hearts and teddy bears that had been with her in the hospital so that they would never forget her. It's nice to have Sofia's ashes in the house and to have a space just for her. I still have the blanket and some of the soft toys she had in the hospital; I keep them in a closed bag so that her scent lasts longer and sometimes when I miss her I open the bag and smell her blanket, a blanket that her grandmother made with all her love.


During the pregnancy and after Sofia died, I felt very guilty: because my placenta didn't work, because she had tried hard to live but I hadn't given her what she needed. Then we came to discover that the problem Sofia had was something which was incompatible with life and that there was nothing I could have done for her to survive. In fact, Sofia lived much longer than babies with the same problem usually live. From that day on, all the guilt I had felt disappeared and I thanked my body for keeping her inside me all this time. After seven months I still feel sad and empty inside because Sofia is not with me. She is constantly on my mind. I confess that it has been difficult, but I continue living day-by-day with hope for the future.


Sofia's mum

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